-- Check out my last blog post for context! --
When my partner and I sat down to discuss my feelings of displacement in China, I was shocked by the shame, fear, and uncertainty that came pouring out. I told him about the distance I felt with him, and how isolated and unprotected that made me feel. I even confessed that it made me question our relationship if this was the way that things would be around his family. He waited patiently as I vocalized all of my thoughts, and then explained his side of things.
He started by apologizing for making me feel so alone, and that he would take care to actively check in with me from that point forward (and he did). It was here that we realized that every day after returning to the hotel, we were so tired that we would go straight to bed without even discussing our day. When navigating relationships in a different cultural context, it becomes more important than ever to touch base with the other person, if only to simply remind yourself that you are not in this uncomfortable space alone.
He then let on what was going behind the scenes. As the oldest male child in his immediate family, he is "naturally" assigned the role of bringing the family together (which irks me, but I digress). The reason he wasn't present was because he was always making arrangements. He helped set up the restaurants we would go to with his family, and made sure everything was ordered. He was always working to make sure everyone entertained and comfortable. He had to keep everything on-time, and negotiate when people would plan things without telling him. He had to do all this while maintaining a high and positive energy so as not to seem ungrateful. When I looked back, I realized that these things had been taken care of without me even noticing. I asked him why he didn't talk to me about it, and he said he wanted to avoid stressing me out. If you are not understanding a shift in someone's demeanor in a different culture, ask questions. More often than not, they haven't changed as human beings, but are adjusting to the context they are in. Hearing their explanation can change your perspective, and relieve a lot of stress on both ends.
After hearing what he had to say, I felt incredibly disappointed in myself. How could I not see this? Do I need 100% of his attention all the time? Where was my gratitude? My partner, as always, immediately shut down the negativity wormhole I was digging for myself. He thanked me for telling him how I feel, and I thanked him for all that he did. Throughout the rest of the trip, we continued to work on being more in tune with each other.
This moment was a huge learning experience for me as a cross-cultural communicator, and as a cross-cultural partner. Gratitude, humility, and expressing yourself goes a long way when bridging the gap in a relationship (romantic and otherwise) that can be caused by cultural displacement.
I am far from a relationship expert, but I hope the lessons I learned from this experience is helpful to those who experience difficulties communicating across cultures in intimate settings.
Thank you for reading! I hope you have a lovely rest of your day.
When my partner and I sat down to discuss my feelings of displacement in China, I was shocked by the shame, fear, and uncertainty that came pouring out. I told him about the distance I felt with him, and how isolated and unprotected that made me feel. I even confessed that it made me question our relationship if this was the way that things would be around his family. He waited patiently as I vocalized all of my thoughts, and then explained his side of things.
He started by apologizing for making me feel so alone, and that he would take care to actively check in with me from that point forward (and he did). It was here that we realized that every day after returning to the hotel, we were so tired that we would go straight to bed without even discussing our day. When navigating relationships in a different cultural context, it becomes more important than ever to touch base with the other person, if only to simply remind yourself that you are not in this uncomfortable space alone.
He then let on what was going behind the scenes. As the oldest male child in his immediate family, he is "naturally" assigned the role of bringing the family together (which irks me, but I digress). The reason he wasn't present was because he was always making arrangements. He helped set up the restaurants we would go to with his family, and made sure everything was ordered. He was always working to make sure everyone entertained and comfortable. He had to keep everything on-time, and negotiate when people would plan things without telling him. He had to do all this while maintaining a high and positive energy so as not to seem ungrateful. When I looked back, I realized that these things had been taken care of without me even noticing. I asked him why he didn't talk to me about it, and he said he wanted to avoid stressing me out. If you are not understanding a shift in someone's demeanor in a different culture, ask questions. More often than not, they haven't changed as human beings, but are adjusting to the context they are in. Hearing their explanation can change your perspective, and relieve a lot of stress on both ends.
After hearing what he had to say, I felt incredibly disappointed in myself. How could I not see this? Do I need 100% of his attention all the time? Where was my gratitude? My partner, as always, immediately shut down the negativity wormhole I was digging for myself. He thanked me for telling him how I feel, and I thanked him for all that he did. Throughout the rest of the trip, we continued to work on being more in tune with each other.
This moment was a huge learning experience for me as a cross-cultural communicator, and as a cross-cultural partner. Gratitude, humility, and expressing yourself goes a long way when bridging the gap in a relationship (romantic and otherwise) that can be caused by cultural displacement.
I am far from a relationship expert, but I hope the lessons I learned from this experience is helpful to those who experience difficulties communicating across cultures in intimate settings.
Thank you for reading! I hope you have a lovely rest of your day.
Best,
justajae